i don’t want not to be skinny!!

back when i was in 4th year highschool up to 2nd year college I was really chubby as In really CHUBBY!!! and it dawned to me i have to lose weight since it was making me depress so I started drinking slimming tea and cutting of eating junkfood and fastfood stuffs. that loose me a lot of weight also the shit load of stress took it’s tol into my body. but it didn’t stop me there, even when people where asking and saying “how did you lose weight” or “wow, you’ve gone skinnier” didn’t bring me any self satisfaction. I pushed my self to go more skinnier when my bandmates started calling me “anorexic” or people around me will say “your not fat! you’re really skinny” didn’t stop me to lose more weight. 

not until last month when i started eating so much again. i was like “oh forget it! i’ll just drink slimming tea tonight” and started eating junkfoods and oily stuffs again. 

now it dawned to me when a photographer friend was asking me to cosplay a certain character for a photoshoot that I was gaining weight. and my skinny face that I worked so hard to gain is starting to fade. I realize “I HAVE TO STOP THIS UNHEALTHY DIET!!” but now i find my self back to pace 1 when dieting and self control is very difficult. specially when people around you are bunch of fucktards that keeps you away of your diet!!! I know go back to that powerful slimming tea that I hate and not eating dinner. I also started eating more veggies and fruits and started drinking more water. 

I hope by next month I’m back to my skinny self. [not the model skinny] but my normal built. THIS IS A FIGHT!!!!

#personal

sometimes I wish that this was all a fucking dream, and i would wake leaving all this depression and socially withdrawn self of mine in a crazy dream.

#emotion #depression #personal

so you think i’m like this because you’re fucking loose w/ me. FUCK NO! I’m like this because you’re so fucking strict and all.. yeah you allow me to go to cons or whatever but in what condition I should ask your permission 3-2 weeks before the exact date, as if I’m filing a leave of absence or an appointment and shit. when i’m an hour late you fume at me non stop!!! I’m so afraid at every movement i’m gonna make cause you will probably bash me because of it!! how jealous i get when my high school friends always get a chance to see their favorite bands in concert and here i am bumming around the house. you always tell me how lazy I am when in fact i’m an imitation of you!!!! you lock me up in this town since you won’t allow me to study in a different town.

I did all of this I didn’t say anything, I let you decide on my life.

and now you’re telling me that you’re gonna be strict w/ me because of a stupid pink digital camera!!! so what’s your definition of STRICT put chains around my neck?! lock me up of my room!!!! 24/7 on guard w/ me???!!

I’m young let me do things I want before it’s to late if you where really loose w/ me i should have been a better child!!! I would not have turned into something like this!!!

If I could not be free I rather kill myself

I’m a rebel because of you!!!!

and for fuck sake it’s christmas season! show a little compassion and stop yelling at me and degenerating my pride!!!!

#depress #rant #emotion #personal

Project st☆rish [summer uniform version] will debut tomoro~ XD at ame monogatari 2011 

and i’ll be going as hijirikawa masato

pretty pumped out and believe or not we prepared for the cos in just one week XD talk about rushed!!! but still expect quality cosplay since we did pay lots of attention on details >w< 

so yeah i’ll be out all day tomoro!

but!!! I might post our looks tomoro morning since we will be preparing here in our house nyaaaaw~

that’s it for today

ja’ne 

-aya

#personal #up ame

I hate crowded place =.=

Hello~ aya here well I just got back from the mall today and it was jam packed w/people, and all I can say is I really hate crowded place @.@ I get dizzy and disoriented whenever I’m in a crowded place it feels like I’m suffocating. Nope I’m not a claustrophobic person It’s just that I really like to be left in solitude. Not your social person maybe thats why I’m an introvert. 

Anyway on the lighter note, I just found a shop that sells mori-ish [mori girl] clothing and stuffs here in our place. though its real target are middle age women, those who are in the working class. but if you really search their shops you could find stuffs that a mori-girl would wear. My only problem is that it’s a bit pricey for a student like me =.= I’ll try to search more shops maybe when the malls are not that crowded anymore >w<

Also hello new followers!!! thank you very much for the follow. Sorry If I could not follow back cause I’m using my tumblelog as my personal tumblr. hope I won’t bore you .

Thats it for my once in a blue moon journal lol 

-aya OwO

#personal #journal

personal/cosplay blog

so i have decided to make this acount as my “personal blog” when i made it a few months ago. and now i come to realize that i need to make a cosplay blog to review every event tha i attended to [cause it seems pictures isn’t enough to explain an epic day lol] so yeah it’s decided that this will be a “personal/cosplay blog” of mizaki aya desu~ lol anyway i’m still gonna reblog things that reflects to what i’m feeling nyaaaw~

#mizaki aya #personal